The grating sound of Danni’s voice hit Liz like a shock wave, propelling her backwards in time… far, far back to that fateful night twenty years ago…. The night Hans Kinderman died. Liz suddenly felt a wave of emotion knock her upside the head. Before she had time to react, a single, silver tear slipped quietly out from under her cumbersome, black leather eye patch1 and slid slowly down her dirt stained cheek. She quickly regained composure, but her scowl intensified as she looked into the mug placed before her. She had spent tormented decades forgetting the pain she felt that night, but in just minutes this pipsqueak of a café owner brought it all rushing back. This was going to be harder than she’d planned… but Captain Lizzle had never backed down from a fight, and she certainly wasn’t going to do so now… not when she was so close to the sweet taste of vengeance. The saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold; well in this case it was absolutely frigid.
“Tea?” Liz hissed through her teeth, as she pushed the steaming mug of Moroccan mint towards the senile shop owner. “I didn’t come all this way, on this very day, to this very café for fricking tea, Danni!” A light flickered behind her heavily lined eye, “… if you are going to offer me something to drink… offer me something worth drinking,” the flicker turned into a flame, “offer me the kinder drink”.
“Oh no?” Liz planted her claw-like hands on the counter and leaned in menacingly. “Decided the drink was a little dangerous, did cha!?!”
Danni immediately grasped the severity of Liz’s comment, “I…I just haven’t been able to keep any Kinder in the shop since that day” she stammered, shrinking from the crazy gaze in Liz’s eye. She knew that there was no way of avoiding the argument; it was nothing more or less than the continuation of a very long, very bloody battle between the two of them… a battle that would end only in death.
“It really is a shame Danni,” Liz replied. She was like an Icelandic volcano ready to erupt and wreck havoc on the western European airways. “A shame that you ever made that drink as a way to seduce and steal my soul mate, and essentially ruin my life”.
“You’re going there, Liz? Really? Do you always have to go there? It has been more than twenty five years…” Danni began.
“Twenty five years of nothing but… suffering … torture…PAIN…” Liz reached into one of the large pockets of her cloak, and began emptying its contents onto the counter. Unsatisfied, she moved on to another pocket and then another. Danni jumped as Liz haphazardly flung a large tabby cat in her direction. Finally, from the very depths of the cloak Liz produced a small black box. She pulled a rusted key from a chain around her neck and slowly opened the box.
Liz reached into the box, “make the drink” she mumbled through gritted teeth. “I want the drink!”
Danni shuddered. On the palm of Liz’s hand were two individually wrapped pieces of Kinder chocolate. “There’s no way… how long has that been in there? That can’t be thirty year old chocolate?” she gagged. Liz had a crazy look in her eyes. “Seriously Liz… you want me to make hot chocolate out of something that has been rotting in your pocket for thirty years!?!”
“Chocolate never goes bad Danni,” Liz gingerly peeled off the faded white and orange paper and aluminum with her dirt encrusted fingernails, and shoved the dry crumbly discolored mess into Danni’s hand.
Danni shrugged her shoulders and tossed the Kinder into two of her finest mugs. Death by stale chocolate wouldn’t be the worst way to go… considering the circumstances2.
It only took Danni a couple of minutes to brew the dangerously chocolaty concoction, but those couple of minutes were the longest minutes of Danni’s life. Liz remained silent, thoughtfully stroking the tail of a very shaggy, very old cat that had been hiding under her hood. She was sizing Danni up… which didn’t take long considering the extremely petite stature of the vendeuse. Liz was trying to remember what Danni was like before her betrayal. She had once been one of Liz’s dearest friends… they had traveled the world together, and both had taken part in the slaying of the Jabberwocky 3. But that was a very long time ago. Now all of the pleasant Danni memories were plagued by treachery.
Danni slid a steaming mug over to Liz, western bar style. Despite the fact that the semi dissolved chunks of kinder were practically petrified- causing the hot chocolate to take on a sickly grey color and bubble like witches brew- the comforting smell of Kinder filled the room. Liz couldn’t help taking a deep breath before taking a long drink from her mug. As soon as the chocolate touched her lips everything came rushing back… the good, the bad, and the chocolate.
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It is a little known fact that the dreaded pirate Liz graduated college with a degree in French and a Minnesota state teaching license. She had actually meet Kinderman while teaching abroad in the south of France. There was an intimate connection and chemistry between them from the very beginning. One day after a frustrating trip to the grocery store (Because she was saving up to buy her first ship and launch her pirating career Liz was living off of a diet of chocolate bars, tap water siphoned from a neighboring apartment, and whatever she could mooch off of friends and relatives) Liz happened to look up in time to see a piece of scaffolding hurdling in her direction. She quickly leapt out of the way causing a chain reaction preordained by the gods of love.
Liz’s blind leap caused her to trip over the curb of the sidewalk and into the busy street. Sh
e was sideswiped by a speeding taxi, which spun her quickly across the road and out of the way of traffic… frogger style. Liz attempted to step onto the opposite sidewalk, but a gust of w
ind swept the sports page of a local newspaper into her face, temporarily blinding her. As she struggled to free herself from the newspaper Liz tripped over a homeless man’s dog. She then fell forward into the fancy door of a small café, which suddenly opened sending her toppling ba
ckwards into the arms of a rather startled Hans Kinderman.
Lookin
g into his gorgeous, toned pectorals Liz knew she was smitten. It was only after he had bought her dinner (at the café with the fancy door), and escorted her back to her apartment, that she looked into grocery bag to find a young Kinderman staring back up at her. Hans Kinderman was indeed the grown (and handsomely matured) Kinder boy from the box of Kinder chocolate.
Kinderman had been a fairly successful child model. At the age of 6 he was accidentally discovered while on a semi annual big market trip. The Kinderman’s were from a very small remote village in secluded German mountains. The only ways to access the village were, a treacherous 5 day hike through the mountains, army helicopter, or traditional pirate ship. Every year the Kinderman family would make the 5 day trek to the next town to sell their goods at the market and to stock up on essentials (and goodies) that they were unable to produce themselves. To transport everything through the mountains and back they traveled with a herd of sherpa-trained Siberian mountain goats, and an old donkey named pickle. Once they had set up at the market the young Hans would sing and dance as a way to draw people to his family booth. Needless to say before he was discovered Hans knew very little of the larger outside world. Once he got a little taste of that world he was hooked. Though he tried, he was never again happy in his small, secluded town.
The year Liz and Kinderman met was the same year Kinderman scored his first big modeling campaign (even bigger than the Kinder campaign). The next year, with his help, Liz was finally able to purchase her own authentic pirate ship. Together they ruled the 7.54 seas for nearly 13 years. They were 13 years of piratey bliss. Due to their exploits and adventures Captain Liz and her first mate Kinderman were two of the richest people in the world, and without a doubt the most famous-est pirates ever!
One chilly September morning, out of the blue, Kinderman realized that he no longer loved the deep folding waves of the open ocean. He had lost the urge to feel the salty sea breeze rustle through his long untamed locks. Perhaps most unsettling of all, for the first time in 13 years he found the even sway of the ship more nauseating than soothing.
Kinderman was like an untamable gazelle when he made up his mind about something, nothing could sway him. He decided that he needed to make port and take a break from piracy. Liz, blinded by love and the desire to make her other half happy, let him go. It was a decision she regretted for the rest of her life. Within two months Danni had seduced and stolen Kinderman.
By the time Liz realized what had gone down, Kinderman was gone for good. Her life began a dangerous spiral into insanity. Without Kinderman she left piracy and turned to rap music and drugs, eventually losing her mind completely and becoming a crazy cat lady.
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Liz quickly drained her mug and turned to Danni, “It’s time for you to close shop for the night”.
To be continued …
1 Liz wears an eye patch over her left eye, despite the fact that the eye is completely functional. It is a fashion piece most likely picked up during her pirate years. The fact that she continues the sport the useless accessory only expands upon the fact that in her latter years Liz is completely loopy.
2 Not only was Liz known for being a fearsome pirate, but also a well connected gangsta rapper, and rifleman. (see post “what are you going to do with your life”).
3Arguably one of Liz’s most successful conquests, the Jabberwocky was a nonsensical literary creature from the demented mind of L. Carroll.
4 Due to the effects of global warming and the melting of the polar ice caps, the state of Utah was completely ingulfed by the Great Salt Lake- making Utah more of a sea than a state.
