I have recently had the pleasure (I use the term lightly) to attend a real, fairly hardcore bullfight. After surviving nearly 3 hours of devastation, bovine murder, and sequins, I have some serious questions regarding machismo culture and the very essence of masculinity!
Lets start by looking at the term bullfight. You break it down and you have two words: bull and fight. It doesn’t get more macho than that does it? A bull is a large horned beast, and fighting is the ultimate way of releasing too much testosterone. In concept the matador, the person fighting the bull, is a sex symbol. He is the fighter, tamer, and slayer of the beast. The matador expounds in his elegant dominance over the beast… Ok… what really I saw was a small skinny man in brightly colored sequined spandex with a sword strut around and kill a severely wounded boy cow.
Ok, you want to talk about ridiculous... let's examine the "star" of the show. The word matador comes from the Spanish word matar to kill, or when referring to an individual a killer. Now when I think of “killers” I think of black clothing and maybe a facemask. Really, nothing that would make them stand out in a crowd or gain unwanted attention. The matador, however, is the complete opposite of this. He wears a skin tight, colorful sequined onesie, with a funny little jacket, Mickey Mouse hat, bright pink tights, and loafers with a puffball on top. Really this “killer” attracts too much attention to himself. Also this killer really just puts the bull out of its misery. I mean the bull is subjected to quite a bit of torture before it ever deals with the matador. First it’s stabbed by an armored man on an armored horse, then a serious of other men run at it and inject barbed spears into it’s back. This, of course, causes the bull to lose quite a bit of blood. Between the blood loss and the running around in circles the bull is practically spend by the time the matador kills it. Killing something that's already dying... or using complex teamwork to kill something really isn't that macho.
And what about the object of the killing spree? He's just a big hunk of beef. Who ever heard of a town full of villagers needing protection from a raging bovine? You just let a mad cow run around for awhile, and eventually it goes back to chewing it's cud. Trust me human flesh has never been found in the four stomachs of a cow. A real man would fight a real monster, right? It be one thing if it was a Minotaur or something with at least a little bit of credibility. Leave the boy cows alone already!
Finally, the whole spectacle reminded me of a high school basket ball game. "the band only plays when the matador is doing well" I heard the man in front of me explain to a tourist group. I waited to see what kind of jam the band would pull out to keep a good fighter pumped, and what did I get? No "We Will Rock You", not even a note of the "Chariots of fire" theme... no it was...mariachi music... something you would hear on loony toons. So when these fancy little men with their silly swords and pink socks, fight well, they are rewarded with bouncy, little tunes.
In conclusion, I'm going to say that while bull fighting is overly gory and bloody, it is surprisingly wimpy. Hey, maybe it's because I come from a culture where manly men bump chests, never cry on the outside, and enjoy knocking each other down for sport, but I'm not gonna be impressed guy a little skinny dude in a spandex jumpsuit, pom pom shoes, and a Mickey Mouse hat unless he's fighting a dragon with his bare hands!
And now, an illustrated guide to manly matadors:
You come to me now bull, I am ready for you...
Excuse me bull, before I plunge this sword into your heart, would your mind telling me if these spandex pants make my butt look big?
Now, watch me brood I am a sexy brooder, look at my brooding stance... isn't it exquisite!
I'm gonna pick me a winner... and... and...and... oh shoot, it was just a sequin.
Ah yes, I am the winner, so now I will have these nice, muscly men carry me around on their shoulders... how manly we all are, yes... man...ly...mmmm.
