a poem...

Ode to Hans Kinderman*

I feel as though I ought to write an ode to my lovely Kinderman

who has shinning locks of woven gold,

and lightly sun kissed skin.

Oh Kinderman, oh Kinderman!

Just one glance from his piercing eyes of blue makes you blush from deep within,

he’s made of muscle, head to shoe

his physique? Mmmmmm honey, it’s a sin…

Yes Kinderman, my Kinderman!

His smooth, soft lips so oft' do part and form a gorgeous grin

his glance is cunning, his gaze is smart,

yes Kinderman’s a 10.

Please Kinderman, dear Kinderman!

Alas, the evil Danni’s taken him and holds him in her spell,

of chocolate sweet, and kinder treat (a mocha latte hell).

As time goes by the once great Hans becomes a fatty lump,

He forms a gut, a great big butt, his shoulders sag and slump.

Oh Kinderman, my Kinderman, I mourn your loss from far across the sea

though I’m but a pirate full of scorn,

you're still much beloved by me.

*Hans Kinderman (pronounced kin-der-min) first appears in our blog in the post "what arrrr you going to do with your life" as the great love of my life, who is stolen from me by Danni. He will probably pop up in this blog from time to time.

le rêve et la folie.

We've all had strange dreams. I've had many in my twenty-two years of life. One of the first that I can remember goes as far back as my preschool years. It involved sinister clowns, who were cartoonish and colorless, popping out the wall and attacking me - forever giving me anxiety over my house's framework. For years after, I was too afraid to sleep facing near the wall. Even now I have the habit of falling asleep on the very edge of the bed, subconsciously on the lookout for any demented drolls.

Today, my dreams have become a little more sophisticated. Some still have serious concerns, such as course grades, pregnancy, and euthanasia... But most of them are just so over the top bizarre that I worry that I could be mad.

In my French class this semester, we are looking at "dreams and madness" in modern French literature. To distinguish some of the characteristics of either topic, I am going to translate some of the definitions we've been given:

dream:

1. series of images, representations that cross through the mind, with the characteristic of an illusionary conscience such that we are conscious of the dream, without actually being conscious

2. psychic activity during sleep; a "second life"

3. expression of the unconscious, of the mental life

madness:

1. trouble of comportment and/or the mind, considered like the effect of a sickness altering the mental faculties of someone

2. disorder or the fault with the ordinary impressions; a disarrangement of nervous functions

I'm not sure if I really trust these definitions. Nor do I think the two can really be defined. Now I ask you, dear reader, what is the difference between dreams and madness?

apocalypse now?

As you may know, the Mayan... or was it the Aztec...?... (well, some archaic civilization's) calendar is going to run out on Dec. 21, 2012. This could very well signify the end of the world... or not, or whatever...

I think it is, perhaps important for mankind to be ready for the Apocalypse in the unlikely event that it does occur. I have prepared a very rudimentary guide to the Apocalypse, that you may feel free to follow religiously, or laugh at... whatever your preference.

Apocalyptic Events to Remember:

The Rapture

Supposedly the term “rapture” refers to the second coming of Christ, when all of the “believers” will be saved and magically travel up to heaven and safety before the battle Armageddon… man it would suck to be left behind!

Armageddon

The term "Armageddon" comes from the Hebrew word "Har-Magedone", which means "Mount Megiddo"... which has something to do with battle? Or fire? Perhaps Mount Megiddo is a volcano? Megiddo is supposidly near Jerusalem... hmmmm something about Jerusalem is just asking for trouble and conflict.

Anyway, Armageddon is the term referring to the Earth's final battle... and what a big one it will be! This is the epic battle where God will intervene and send Christ to slay the “beast”.

The Millennium

The Millennium is the time after Christ wins the giant battle. It will span about a thousand years, and (hopefully) consist of peace and plenty... basically a paradise on Earth (Woo Whoo!). The thing to remember about the millennium is that it will only be enjoyed by the really good guys (the ones that flew away in the rapture) because every thing else will have been destroyed in Armageddon.... shucks!

The signs of the Apocalypse:

Some signs of the Apocalypse according to the bible are: famine, pestilence, lawlessness, people having no love for one another, earthquakes

The bible also says that: Men will be lovers of themselves, of money, self-assuming, haughty, blashemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power.

... So what I'm wondering is how are these signs any different from normal Earthly behavior? How will we know when the Apocalypse is actually here!!??!!

Since I don't agree with the signs listed in the bible, I have created my own list of more current end of the world-esque signs:

-The rising popularity of such figures as: Miley Cyrus, the Octo-mom, and Paris Hilton.

-Reality TV... in general... if these shows represent reality, then the Apocalypse would be a welcome event!

-The appeal of the snuggie (basically a backwards robe)… you know you’re in trouble when a regular blanket no longer fulfills its purpose.

-The Harry Potter books are over, and the movies nearly over. Plus the fact that they have been replaced by books about sparkly vampires...

-Some other things are coming to an end, such as Lost, Oprah's talkshow, and Bob Barker on the price is right... I also fear that Dick Clark wont be hosting Rockin Newyears Eve anymore.

-Many famous, beautiful people have died, as well as Michael Jackson.

-Coco (Conan) got canned by NBC... though that may just be a sign of the end of NBC...?

If we can't pick up on the subtleness of the signs perhaps we can recognize some of the major Apocalypse players (I mean hey, most of them are on horses... who rides horses these days... especially flying ones!?!)

The Four Horsemen:

1. White horse: false peace, the false prophet
2. Read horse: dreadful period of war
3. Black horse: Dreadful period of famine
4. Pale horse: plagues and pestilences (death)

* The four horsemen are actually going to be much scarier then my little ponies

The Beast... otherwise known as the antichrist!

The antichrist is gonna be a really bad dude, so I would watch out for him. Just so you know what to avoid I have read many sources and devised a list based off of the 10 most important tidbits of information that I was able to grasp from those sources...

How to recognize the antichrist:

1. He will be big
2. He will possibly have a mullet
3. He will appear out of obscurity
4. He may have already been Hitler
5. He will not regard the desire of women (so he’s probably gay)
6. He’s gonna be good at military stuff
7. His favorite number is 666.
8. He will have bad teeth
9. He will hang out in really hot places
10. He will be creepy as heck...

Ok my children, I have told you everything I was able to find on Wikipedia about the Apocalypse, now it is your job to protect yourself... if I were you I'd try to get the Rapture deal.

cup of sartre.

I've always had the dream of opening a coffee shop. Not just any coffee shop but one with a French historical theme.

As you may have guessed by now, I have a penchant for French history. It's a passion; it invigorates me. Much like coffee. So naturally, having the two together would just complete my life. And I would like to share that with others.

So, what exactly would this French historical themed coffee shop look like? Short answer: art. And a lot of it.

Of course I would not be able to get my hands on any original artworks, but I would have scores of framed giclée art prints covering every inch of wall. Each piece of art would be chosen to capture some small aspect of France's incredible past. There would be masterpieces such as Delacroix's La liberté guident le peuple (July Revolution 1830), David's La mort de Marat (assassination of French Revolution figure, Jean-Paul Marat), and Toulouse-Lautrec's At the Moulin Rouge (caricatures of Montmartre's greatest celebrities at the turn of the 20th century). 

There would also be celebrated posters that once littered streets of Paris, such as those of cabarets by the aforementioned Toulouse-Lautrec and those of Pétain during the Second World War. Running along the walls, there would also be a timeline with important dates from all throughout the centuries, starting from the conquest of the Gauls to the election of Nicolas Sarkozy. Along with paintings and posters, the hallway to the restroom would be a "hall of mirrors" - a visual pun on the renowned hall in Versailles. And also a way to check to see if there aren't any traces of the Marie Antoinette still on your face.

   

What is the Marie Antoinette, you ask? The Marie Antoinette is one of our specialty drinks. There would be a variety of your favorite coffee drinks available with a French historical touch. The Marie Antoinette, a white chocolate mocha, is topped with with an enormous heap of whipped cream to resemble her enormous wigs. Yet if that is too much, you could order the Marie Antoinette en trial, with a lighter serving of whipped cream, or à la guillotine, without whipped cream, to represent her hair during the tragic later stages of her life. Other drinks would include:

• Louis XVI (regular mocha: to go along with his queen)
• Napoléon (shot of espresso: small but powerful)
• Victor Hugo (cappuccino: great author to go with a great drink)
• Charles de Gaulle (macchiato: great leader to go with another great drink)
• Benjamin Franklin (americano: an American in Paris) 
• Sartre (black coffee: because he's an existentialist)
• Simone de Beauvoir (café au lait: a feminized version of the Sartre)
• Richelieu (chai tea: cardinal who headed the French East India Company)
• Joan of Arc (hot chocolate: the virgin martyr who never would have succumbed to coffee)
• Maréchal Sodas (Italian sodas: made with Vichy water, they come in a variety of flavors)

There some other unique features to the French historical coffee shop. For example, all of the employees would speak both English and French. It is perfectly appropriate to order your café in French; in fact it is encouraged. However, we would not discriminate against those who do not know the language. In fact, you could learn the language through our series of classes we would offer to the public. Along with French, we would also hold history and art classes, granted that I will have some sort of art degree by this time. Several members on staff, including myself, would be specialized in these areas, and the coffee shop would foster a fun learning environment for all.

Although I say that a French historical coffee shop is a dream, a part of me is serious about it. After I spend the next decade of my life galavanting around France and slaving away in graduate school, this coffee shop may be the next practical thing to do. I'll keep you posted.

marie antoinette and her children.

When most people hear the name Marie Antoinette, they automatically think of her excessive spending, her large outrageous hairdos, or her supposed liasons with both men and women. Very rarely do they consider the queen as a mother. At the moment, I'm working on a project on the late queen Marie Antoinette. Using her as a case study, I'm investigating motherhood (specifically nursing in the both a physical and metaphorical sense) within the larger context of 18th-century France. So therefore it should not be a surprise if you encounter her ghost - or other phantoms of French history - on this blog. 

In 1787, Élisabeth Vigée-Lebrun painted a portrait of the queen and her children. With rosy cheeks and a calm expression, the Marie Antoinette in this painting does not appear to be the queen of France, but instead a mother of her children.

The veneration of the mother emerged during the French Enlightenment. Before, mothers rarely cared for their young children. As soon as a child was born, it was immediately sent to live with a wet nurse for the first few years of its life. This was either because the mother had to work, leaving no time to care for children, or the mother had no interest, choosing to wear fancy dresses and attending parties over suckling an infant. Authors like Jean-Jacques Rousseau chastised both these mothers, demanding that women restore their domestic roles in order to bring about a sense of morality in French society. He gives her advice on how to nurse and clothe her child, relishing the idea that a mother should take interest and love her children. The mother is no longer just an instrument to produce children, but also an influential figure in the development of the individual and the French nation as a whole. 

Marie Antoinette was highly influenced by what was “new” in French society. Always wearing the latest fashion or attending the most recent production at the opera, the queen was up-to-date on the hottest trends. However, she was not so knowledgeable on what was happening among the peasant classes, who were finding themselves without bread and rallying the streets against the government. Taking little interest in this issue, the queen was rumored to have said, “Let them eat cake.” (Yet, it is important to note that she never uttered this line, which instead comes from Rousseau’s Confessions, published several years before she even set foot on French soil.) Marie Antoinette became rather unpopular as the years passed. Historians have discussed that LeBrun's portrait of the queen and her children was an attempt to repair her negative image that was circulating throughout French society.

Whether it is true that Marie Antoinette actually commissioned this portrait to try to win the sympathy of the French people, it does portray her embracing the bourgeois ideals of motherhood as outlined by Rousseau. Yet it was not enough to save her from the blade of the guillotine. No matter how hard she tried to emulate what was expected from a mother, there were certain contradictions that existed in her role as queen, which in turn embodies the struggle over what is woman’s "role" in French society during the 18th century as well as during the centuries that were to follow. 

caught in a bad bromance.

Bromance:

1.) The complicated love and affection shared by two straight males

2.) A close relationship between two bros to such a point where they start to seem like a couple

3.) Close but non-sexual relationship between two men, a form of homosocial intimacy

While the term "bromance" (a portmanteau combination of the words "bro" and "romance") was first used in the 1990's, the concept behind the word has existed since the beginning of time. Yep, I'd say as long as there have been bros, there has been bromance... and as long as there has been bromance, men have pretended that it doesn't exist. For some reason dudes are ashamed of the close bonds that they form with other dudes (here is one point where females are clearlly superior). Guys tend to believe that the closeness between someone of the same gender implies a homosexual connection, well that's simply not true. You have to make the conscience decision to be gay before it's officially a homosexual experience to love another man!

Bromance is prevalent in all aspects of human life from politics, to Hollywood, to literature. You may not realize it but bromance is all around you.

Here is a list of a few well known/documented bromances:

-Frodo and Sam -S. Holmes and Dr. Watson -Harry Potter and Ron Weasly -Bert and Ernie -George and Lennie -Kirk and Spock -Huck and Jim -Batman and Robin -Clinton and Gore

As the title of this post suggests, not all bromances are good (just as not all romances are good... see my previous post "what arrr you going to do with your life"). Every now and then the closeness of two males can open the doors to betrayal and sometimes assassination.

Some examples of really bad (even fatal) bromances include:

-Lincoln and Booth -Robespierre and Danton -Hamilton and Burr -Caesar and Brutus -Darth Vader and Obi Wan -Jesus and Judas

It is best to be aware of bromance, and to embrace it, so as to not further stifle male emotions and interactions. Let's face it, most guys are just one step away from becoming robots, and the love for their bros may be the only thing that's keeping them human!

toujours à mon goût.

 - Also, you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

 - They don’t call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?

 - No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn’t know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.

 - What’d they call it?

 - ‘Royale with Cheese.’

 - ‘Royale with Cheese’… What’d they call a Big Mac?

 - Big Mac’s a Big Mac, but they call it ‘Le Big Mac.’

 - What do they call a Whopper?

 - I dunno, I didn’t go into a Burger King.

                        - Vincent and Jules, Pulp Fiction

If Vincent were to go to Paris today, he wouldn’t be able to find the answer to Jules’s question. In 1997, the Burger King Corporation decided to close all its restaurants in France due to poor profits in the region. It is supposed that the emergence of McDonald’s and the Belgium-based Quick provided fierce competition for the regal hamburger chain, which ultimately brought it to its demise. But it is obvious that the real reason for Burger King’s death was that the children of the French Revolution are still violently opposed to the monarchy.

On July 14, 1789, angry Parisians stormed the Bastille, launching a furious campaign to destroy the Ancien Régime. In addition to the establishment of a republic, it was important to rid France entirely of the royal Bourbon bloodline. All of this turbulence ultimately brought the King to lose – quite literally – his head. So in July 1997, centuries after the legendary insurrection, the French still felt the patriotic vigor of their ancestors. Hostile towards the enduring presence of the monarchy in the form of a fast food chain, they decided put the King once again under the fatal blade of the guillotine. Vive le république!

But really, would closing down a hamburger joint, that sells majestic charbroiled burgers to exactly your liking, really foster republican sentiment? There is still a very notable monarchial presence lingering in French culture. For example, there is no need to visit a Burger King to find accessories like paper crowns to outfit your monarchical fantasies. Drawn from the religious observance of Epiphany, the month of January is a time where all French people obsess over the galette du roi, or “king’s cake.” The bakeries and grocery stores are stocked with these cakes with the infamous fève, usually a small plastic figurine, baked inside. The lucky soul who finds – or chokes on – this ridiculous object is pronounced king, getting to wear the paper crown that is included in the purchase of the cake. 

Along with those wearing paper crowns, there are a number of French royalists who long desire to see the return of the sovereign lord of hamburgers. Dethroned for nearly 13 years, there are petitions online for the return of the King, angry blogs from those who remember the ancien cuisine, as well as an absurd but must-see music video intending to foment a burger revolution among the French masses:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twY8s-G18qg

I may be a Francophile; yet as an American, it is hard to express whether my sympathies are more towards the monarchy or the republic. But I can say that it is unjust for McDo to call its Quarter Pounder with Cheese a “Royale” when the real royal cheeseburger belongs to the Burger King. Allons enfants de la patrie, continue your tradition of revolution once again to have it your way! Vive le roi!

And to answer Jules’s question, a Whopper in France would be called “le Whopper.”