As you may know, the Mayan... or was it the Aztec...?... (well, some archaic civilization's) calendar is going to run out on Dec. 21, 2012. This could very well signify the end of the world... or not, or whatever...I think it is, perhaps important for mankind to be ready for the Apocalypse in the unlikely event that it does occur. I have prepared a very rudimentary guide to the Apocalypse, that you may feel free to follow religiously, or laugh at... whatever your preference.
Apocalyptic Events to Remember:
The Rapture
Supposedly the term “rapture” refers to the second coming of Christ, when all of the “believers” will be saved and magically travel up to heaven and safety before the battle Armageddon… man it would suck to be left behind!
Armageddon
The term "Armageddon" comes from the Hebrew word "Har-Magedone", which means "Mount Megiddo"... which has something to do with battle? Or fire? Perhaps Mount Megiddo is a volcano? Megiddo is supposidly near Jerusalem... hmmmm something about Jerusalem is just asking for trouble and conflict.
Anyway, Armageddon is the term referring to the Earth's final battle... and what a big one it will be! This is the epic battle where God will intervene and send Christ to slay the “beast”.
The Millennium
The Millennium is the time after Christ wins the giant battle. It will span about a thousand years, and (hopefully) consist of peace and plenty... basically a paradise on Earth (Woo Whoo!). The thing to remember about the millennium is that it will only be enjoyed by the really good guys (the ones that flew away in the rapture) because every thing else will have been destroyed in Armageddon.... shucks!
The signs of the Apocalypse:
Some signs of the Apocalypse according to the bible are: famine, pestilence, lawlessness, people having no love for one another, earthquakes
The bible also says that: Men will be lovers of themselves, of money, self-assuming, haughty, blashemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power.
... So what I'm wondering is how are these signs any different from normal Earthly behavior? How will we know when the Apocalypse is actually here!!??!!
Since I don't agree with the signs listed in the bible, I have created my own list of more current end of the world-esque signs:
-The rising popularity of such figures as: Miley Cyrus, the Octo-mom, and Paris Hilton.
-Reality TV... in general... if these shows represent reality, then the Apocalypse would be a welcome event!
-The appeal of the snuggie (basically a backwards robe)… you know you’re in trouble when a regular blanket no longer fulfills its purpose.
-The Harry Potter books are over, and the movies nearly over. Plus the fact that they have been replaced by books about sparkly vampires...
-Some other things are coming to an end, such as Lost, Oprah's talkshow, and Bob Barker on the price is right... I also fear that Dick Clark wont be hosting Rockin Newyears Eve anymore.
-Many famous, beautiful people have died, as well as Michael Jackson.
-Coco (Conan) got canned by NBC... though that may just be a sign of the end of NBC...?
If we can't pick up on the subtleness of the signs perhaps we can recognize some of the major Apocalypse players (I mean hey, most of them are on horses... who rides horses these days... especially flying ones!?!)
The Four Horsemen:
- White horse: false peace, the false prophet
- Read horse: dreadful period of war
- Black horse: Dreadful period of famine
- Pale horse: plagues and pestilences (death)
* The four horsemen are actually going to be much scarier then my little ponies
The Beast... otherwise known as the antichrist!
The antichrist is gonna be a really bad dude, so I would watch out for him. Just so you know what to avoid I have read many sources and devised a list based off of the 10 most important tidbits of information that I was able to grasp from those sources...
How to recognize the antichrist:
He will be big- He will possibly have a mullet
- He will appear out of obscurity
- He may have already been Hitler
- He will not regard the desire of women (so he’s probably gay)
- He’s gonna be good at military stuff
- His favorite number is 666.
- He will have bad teeth
- He will hang out in really hot places
- He will be creepy as heck...
Ok my children, I have told you everything I was able to find on Wikipedia about the Apocalypse, now it is your job to protect yourself... if I were you I'd try to get the Rapture deal.
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