what arrrrrrr you going to do with your life?

"I wont grow up!" -Peter Pan

There comes a time in every human's life where he/she must grow up, graduate from college, and become a fine upstanding member of the real world. It is incredibly important to be prepared for this before it creeps up on you, and beats you to a pulp. That is why I strongly suggest planning ahead.

Now, when planning your life it is better to organize in stages, as more of a step by step deal. That said, here is my current 5 stage plan for life after college:

My Life Plan...

STAGE 1:

The first stage in my plan is to graduate from St Olaf with a degree in French, as well as a k-12 teaching license. I will then spend several years teaching, and being paid to travel to France with large groups of unruly high school students. It will be on one of these trips that I will first become aquatinted with Kinderman (formerly the child model Kinderboy). Once I have scrimped and saved up a large sum of money I will be able to progress to stage two of my life plan.

STAGE 2:

With my large sum of money I will buy a pirate ship, but not just any pirate ship. This pirate ship will be the most fearsome and fast ship since the Spanish Armada. I will assemble my pirate crew and spend my days pillaging and plundering the seven seas. Now I'm talking real hardcore old fashioned pirating, none of this wimpy "hey I have a gun and a boat" South African crap. I will be known as "blonde beard" the most terrible (and sexy) pirate that 'eer was. Instead of having a parrot I will have a one eyed cat named Camus that will perch on my shoulder. Women will scream, and small children will cry and cower in fear whenever they hear my name.

During the pirating stage of my life, I will once again run into Kinderman and our great love affair will begin. Eventually, however, the evil Danni will lure him to her evil French themed café with a new kinder flavored mocha concoction. The two of them will fall hopelessly in love and he will leave me... and get really fat.

After such a tragic loss my heart will no longer be in piracy, and the sea will seem to me to be a metaphor for my drowning despair. I will finally make port, for good... moving to stage 3 of my plan.

STAGE 3:

Stage three is the wildest of the stages of my plan. I will be feeling quite rebellious after losing the love of my life to a French historian, so I will go on a rampage of sex, booze, and backup dancing and eventually find a position as a rap star's ho. I will be asked to dance in several videos, as well as work with Beyoncé on the remake of her hit song Single Ladies, (retitled Middle-aged ladies). During my time spent among the rap stars, I will obtain much bling (in the form of fine jewelry, crystal, and a gold/platinum grill), as well as develop many life long friends (with benefits), and eventually contract syphilis. This will thrust me into stage 4 of my plan.

STAGE 4:

At this point the syphilis will begin to spread to my central nervous system, causing me to quite literally lose my mind. I will pawn my bling and pirate treasure, and buy a very large, very old Scottish castle. I will fill my castle with cats (mostly strays). Camus the cat will die as soon as I buy the castle, but I will have a taxidermist stuff him, and I will continue to carry him around on my shoulder. Every night as the sun goes down I will play my bagpipes (very poorly) on a hill just outside of my cat castle. Alas, my final years will consist of sitting on my porch swing, a cat under each arm (and the stuffed Camus on my shoulder), shooting a riffle at the occasional person that dares to step on my crab grass lawn.

STAGE 5:

Once I am gone, they (I'm not really sure who, but someone, probably someone important) will erect a large memorial in my honor, and young French teachers/pirates/rapstar's hos/crazy cat ladies will make yearly pilgrimages there to honor my memory, and party like crazy people!

Anyway, that's what I have so far, some details are likely to change, but at least I have a plan...